A mom comes clean...

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD around age 7. The teachers had pushed and pushed for us to medicate her before but we were going through a separation/divorce and I really felt that most of her concentration issues at school were related to her life being torn up from that. Finally, after about a year I made the decision to try medication. Immediately she was a different child in school. She sat in her chair, all day. She was getting straight A's and building confidence in her little self.

She seemed to handle the divorce just fine too, which was a blessing. Thankfully we didn't have as bad of a divorce as other friends I'd seen. We didn't get along fantastically but DUH - that was why we were getting divorced. I realize some might judge because we didn't stick it out and I'm sorry you feel you need to judge. I'm definitely a better mother to her now, mostly because we had completely different parenting styles, and belittling the mother of your children is just an asshole move to make, especially in FRONT of your children.

Her dad immediately started dating and introduced her to a woman who moved with him 6 months or so after the divorce. I went on a few dates but didn't find anyone to hang out with and introduce her to for a while. I finally did date someone that I let her meet. He ended up being a dud for a few reasons. A year later, the 2nd guy I dated also ended up also being a dud. They both taught me things about life (good and bad) and in the end, the Kiddo was smart...she didn't care for either man.

Now, whether or not she didn't care for them because of their character or because she wasn't into sharing her mom - I'm not sure. I've now been dating a wonderful man for almost 2 years. He's amazing to my daughter and me. But still we have this sharing problem. And we are going through this rough patch. She is approaching her teen years. I took her off of medication almost a year ago because of some of the side effects. She's been doing amazingly well in school, despite her feeling that she can't do it without medication. I'm so proud of her for being able to get the good grades, etc. without medication. So proud. And yet - at home, she doesn't seem to understand things - like talking back is disrespectful. And she says she feels like I'm always picking on her. And she feels like I love the man more than her. She is especially clingy. I'm sure there's an underlying reason right? She feels she is losing me (but how because I'm always there!). The clinginess annoys me, and then I feel bad.

I decided to go back to school (while working full time, being a single mom, and dating - can you say crazy!?). When I decided to go back to school, I talked to her about it - and about how I'd need help from her. This help could range from quiet time so mom can do homework/read to minor chores around the house, and doing things without mom having to lose her shit. I'll tell her that I need to read/do homework and need quiet time. I go to my room to read or write a paper and she's in there 50 times if she's in there once. So I shut my door and feel bad.

Is motherhood all about feeling bad all the damned time? Because this is not fun. :\

An Open Letter ...

In the past year you have said many things that were hurtful and rude. You disguise this by saying you want to always be honest. You have hurt your children with your words and you see nothing wrong with your actions. Many of your messages to me are a confusing, jumbled mess of nonsense. To you, they make perfect sense. You have said inappropriate things to me and other family members. You don’t acknowledge your faults…ever. You say you are always honest, but when it comes down to it, you’re not being honest. Not with you, and certainly not with others. You are pushing people away that care and causing much concern. You have made unwise choices, which got you beat up. You say that you’re a genius. Ok. Geniuses would know to check and make sure the girl you’re meeting up with is single. Geniuses don’t choose alcohol over their family. Geniuses don’t refer to themselves as God like.

It’s awesome that you have faith in God. I applaud that. However, when you choose to use the bible as a tool to beat people up with, you’re no better than the Pharisees in the bible. Look it up.

Your unwillingness to answer a question open and honestly implies you are lying; If not to the question-asker, then definitely to yourself. You twist messages and replies to suit your needs, showing yourself that of course you are the only one who is right and everyone else is out to get you.

You say you don’t need AA and that I must. While I might enjoy an occasional beer, I have not lost contact with my children, family or friends because of it. I haven’t been beat up because of it. It does not rule my life. I’m afraid it does rule yours. If not alcohol, something. Something is ruling your life and it isn’t you. You laugh when I tell you I hope you find your bottom soon. I just hope that your bottom isn’t as bad as others’.  I’m not sure what it will take for you to understand you have a problem. I know me telling you won’t help. You don’t hear it. You believe AA is from the devil. Interesting … since the basic prayer for AA is the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I hope that one day you decide to look beyond yourself. Here are the questions to ask yourself: http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=71

I love you but I can’t stand to be berated anymore.  No, I won’t stand for it. I hope that you figure it out soon before you lose the ones you love. This is not just affecting you.

Sincerely,

Your cousin.

Thril of the Junk ...

There is a store in our little downtown area that I love to go into. They have candles, purses, shirts, jewelry, just about everything a girl could want - all in one place (http://www.candlequeencandles.com/). They were featured on a site (junkmafia) which led me to look at other stores and junk places. I found an ad for something called "The Thrill of the Junk" which sounded like this HUGE junk sale...in Iowa. I thought it might be fun to road trip to see this grand sale...so I asked the manfriend if he was interested in taking a road trip and we were off early Saturday morning. Off to Iowa......

As it turns out - A. Our idea of junk and the Iowan idea of junk are very different. B. 3 hours is a long way to drive to find marked up home interior stuff. C. Does ANYONE in Iowa know what a flea market or swap n shop is? (btw the answer is a resounding NO).

So since we're close to Omaha, we went to look at car parts for the MF's 55 Chevy that he's restoring. We ended up making a pretty good day out of it, hitting some garage sales and finding amazing beef jerky in a strip mall and having overall a fairly good road trip day.

Something I've noticed lately is how the Peanut can be a bit selfish and rude...(is this true for all 12 year olds or have I done something wrong?) I feel like I am messing up somehow on raising her. WHY is she consistently rude to me? Why does she talk back consistently? Why is it that when I get onto her for her behavior, her response is to explain to me why she was doing wrong, instead of addressing the issues at hand? Am I wrong to expect her to correct her mistakes sooner than she does? These aren't new issues I'm addressing so why is it so hard to learn?

Remember when "children should be seen and not heard?" I still adhere somewhat to that philosophy. There are many times when the Peanut interrupts adults (to show me something in the store) or whatever... She inserts herself into many adult conversations (is this a flaw on my part?) When corrected, she doesn't see what she did wrong - she explains why she interrupted... The lack of impulse control is driving me batty!

Is this how they are, or am I messing her up? #Idon'treallyknowanymore

I like you.

So it's funny. I have said for a while that my guy is one of my favorite people and I really like him. Some friends wonder why I haven't uttered those words yet. We have both been married before, for a good amount of time. After my divorce, I dated a few people for a while, although six months was the max. Each guy was a tool in their own right. One rushed to utter those words which quite honestly freaked me out. I decided I'd take a year off from dating to find me. (I made it 6 months)...

Fast forward to one of my most favorite people. He was very recently divorced when we went out for the first time. In my mind, I could easily be the rebound (and I guess I still could). He could choose to go back to his ex-wife (although I highly doubt that now). And now we have dated for a year and a half - solid. And he's one of my most favorite people. For real. And I like him. Which goes back to that question... why haven't you said those words? We're content with it the way it is. I like being happy. I like liking him. 

One of my two followers sent me a link a few minutes ago that made me all teary at the end (you have been warned!). The best part was knowing I was not completely alone in liking someone :)

Watch here :)
http://youtu.be/_5H2q-Xfp4s

Chores, school and other fun

I come from the school of thought that chores for children are ok, as long as they are age appropriate. I work with someone who thinks I am mean for requiring my daughter to do ANY chores at all. Really? His opinion is that she will learn in time how to cook, clean, & do her laundry. Perhaps, but why not arm her with the knowledge so she doesn't flounder when she's on her own? She's already counting down till she's 18 and 'out of the house' (which if you're counting also, is 5 years-ish...EEK!).

I'm a single mom. I work full time. I go to school. Granted the school is online, but it requires my brain just the same. The last thing I want to do is come home and clean up messes that were left for me. Maybe that makes me a bad mom. I don't know. I do know that with just two of us in the house, it can't hurt Peanut to help with things from time to time...and it keeps her out of trouble...

What are your thoughts on kids and chores? Should they have to do them at all? Should they earn an allowance for them? Should they focus solely on their grades? Feel free to chime in! :) #thanksforreading

I think I forgot

to mention a few other things that I remembered as I read through my post...

Actually I know I forgot, although I'm not sure how exactly...

#1 -- I decided to go back to school finally. I found the one online program that offered a BA in Anthropology (I know...I'm weird.)

#2 -- I found out how different people handle grieving. 2 years ago when we lost my grandma, my family was amazing. There was NEVER one ounce of backbiting or meanness. Not once. I love that about my family. Fast forward almost 2 years later...my stepdad passed away. What a mix of emotions for me. Things I won't even go into because after all, if you are following this or reading, you're certainly not paid enough to be my therapist. But wow were his daughters amazing in a not so great way. The way they have treated my mother and me...what a huge disappointment and an eye opener.

So 2 big things from the lapse in blogging...that should have been included and weren't. Mea culpa.

It's entirely possible

that I'm late. Late to update that is. Holy crackers - a year and a half? So what's new, what's old? What's the haps yo?

I am now the mother of a partially fun, partially rude 12 year old 6th grader. Man I love her. But there are days (here recently it feels like every day) where she pushes me so hard and I am tired. I'm tired of being "the bad guy" even though I'm the one who is always there. So not fair. I'm the one who is there, even on the weekends she isn't home. It's me she calls. And it's me she treats like trash. I know she's growing up. I know she's learning to assert herself. But honestly...she also needs to learn WHEN to assert herself. The disrespect is overwhelming. And her dad is a hero. Always fun at her dad's. Although most of those weekends lately are spent at my mom's house. Go figure.

I know that he could be worse but it angers me that he is put upon a pedestal when he's not dealing with the day to day life, and has no idea how much non-fun it is to get ready for school every day, pack a lunch, go through the chores, work on handwriting, mold a little person in the hopes that she grows to be a wonderful person.

So since October 2010, what's new...well it's daunting to try and remember the last year and a half so highlights it is! It IS spring after all ;)

On the job front - I worked @ one place for almost 9 years. We lost a major contract, and people started getting letters. How "lucky" for me to be one of the first. I received my notice on Halloween, and my last day was scheduled to be the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. The first time in my working life (almost 20 years) that I was unemployed and it didn't feel too great. I worried that I wouldn't find a job. I applied for tons of jobs. I finally found a position and luckily I was only out of work for a month. Amazingly blessed.

What else is new since 10-10 -- I met a nice guy. But I had this bet you see. So no dating for a year. From July 2010-June 2011 - no dating. This bet had a whole $10 riding on it. And pride. Then there's this guy. This guy I lost a bet for. And I cannot tell you how happy I am that I lost a bet for him. I still run to answer the phone, I still laugh at all of his jokes, he still makes me happy. And it's been over a year. He is great to my little person, and great to me.

And my little person....whoa are we going through some fun right now. The disrespect is overwhelming. (oh wait - I said that already! See...Overwhelming!) I'm trying really hard to figure out ways to keep my calm, and not let it get to me. I shouldn't react. Sometimes I just do. And I feel like the World's Worst Parent. Then there are those friends who have BTDT and they remind me that this is how it is...and it's all normal, and it will get better ... in like 6-8 years or so. A bright spot.

Hopefully the rest of the birthday week will see me with a nice tween who loves me and shows me as much. Thanks for reading! All 2 of you ;)