Thursday, December 17, 2009

What do you want from me?

I’ve been thinking a lot about life, people, and expectations. I am currently not enjoying my job as much as I could be, and a big reason for that is expectations. What is expected of me, and what is communicated regarding those expectations are vastly different. It makes for a really sucky work day to be quite honest. If you expect me to wear orange every third Thursday, but never tell me, I won’t know. However, you expect me to be direct with you regarding all of the issues I have with you. I’m not seeing the correlation…at all. And now, I spend my evenings dreading my mornings because I don’t want to be here the way things are. I’m thinking about finding a different career path, away from something I truly enjoy doing, because of the work environment. That frankly, saddens me. I love what I do.

Then there are other expectations. What do I want out of life? How do I want to be treated? What are the ways someone can show me I am important to them? It seems like it should be so easy, but it’s just not and I go back to that looming thought that perhaps, I should just stay alone…hone my crochet skills, get some more cats and prepare myself for when Peanut grows up and moves on with her life. Stupid I know, but…still. That’s how I feel much of the time. And I get myself all wrapped around the axel and then can’t figure out how to move past the stagnant point I’m at. There are things I want, things I’ll never say and again, I am sad. I have had a few songs lately that kind of hit me a certain way. I miss so many things about being in a relationship. I made decisions as of late, that frankly might not have been the best ones for my heart. And now, I am rethinking them. Of course, it might be a little late, because once your heart feels a certain way or once you’ve developed feelings for a person you can’t turn them off. But I sense a “backing off” which maybe is for the best. I just want honesty. All out, full fledged honesty. “I’m scared.” Or “I like you but am worried about the future.” I want someone who will ask how my day was, and good or bad – be the ear I need, when I need it. So maybe I need to be the one to back off? I don’t know. More questions than answers…what fun this is.

This is all probably stuff I should not share in a blog, public forum, yada yada but I need to get it out of my system. I’ve gone up and down this month…thinking about all of the things around me. Family, relationships, what I want out of life. I’ve tried my damndest to be positive but honestly, sometimes being alone just really sucks. I want my daughter to have two loving parents, who live together, and provide an example of what a good marriage is. I want to be loved. I want to be honored. I feel selfish saying all of this too, which I am sure is one of those collateral damage things from a previous marriage, with many ill effects on a person’s self esteem. I am 31 … which to me sounds old and young. Old enough that I should already have all of the above, and young as in too young to die. Where is the happy medium? I am not old.

More of What I Want…

Romance. Love. I want to know you’re thinking of me. I want little things…a random phone call, a letter (an actual posted letter), an email, an IM…..some even on the same day once in a while.
I am sitting at work, not able to concentrate because of all of the outside “drama” going on. I see people I care about who are hurting at the “hands” of another, and I don’t understand. I don’t understand how people come to accept so little in return for their love. And how they condone it as “enough” when really it’s just complete bullsh*t! Actions are so important in a relationship. Any and all actions should be evaluated. Someone can say I love you 4,000 different ways (or whatever the correct factoid is on that) but to show you……takes more commitment. More than some are willing to give.

Anyhow, these songs…really got me “down” I guess…thinking about what I want out of life, what I have, and wondering what I’ll ever have that is close to what I want. And as I write this, I know I more than likely won’t post this as a blog entry because really, it’s kind of depressing.

And the songs…

How do you feel? That is the question...But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

November 13th already?!

So it’s already mid-November. Where does the time go? Reflecting on this past year, it’s been an interesting one to say the least. I finally got the courage up to trust someone only to find out I trusted the wrong person. Life’s little lessons … it would be nice if there were read ahead materials available. But I guess it wouldn’t work out too well so we just roll on and live it!

We had an awesome vacation to Florida, to include a surprise Disney World Day for Kelsey. She was shocked ~ which honestly might have been one of the major highlights. There was also the air boat swamp tour. So awesome!

Fast forward to the new school year. 4th grade. Already?! What the… how does this happen? I remember my grandparents putting their hands on my head telling me to put a brick on my head so I would stop growing, and I always thought they were so silly. Man I miss them now.

Kelsey has a new friend, E. They are best friends…right now. They were both “in love” with the same boy, Lee. I had to teach that lesson, boys shouldn’t come before your friends. But she’s 9, so I’m sure it will happen again.

And somehow, they were “boyfriend/girlfriend” despite my hard, steadfast rule of no dating till she is 30. What gives! I have to say there are days when Kelsey’s selfishness bugs me but I know she is 9. In her mind,everything should revolve around her. But then, you see these glimpses of such a huge heart. E’s mother is around about once a year. She lives with her dad and her sister, and it’s not the best of circumstances. The school has a choir program for kids in grades 4-6 and Kels wanted to join. So did E, but she didn’t have the $8 to get the shirt. Kelsey spotted her the money she needed to get her own shirt. I so love that little one!!!

And now all I can think about is Christmas shopping. I can’t believe Christmas is in just over a month!!! Did I say where does the time go? If

not, I meant to! J So who all do I need to buy for, are we going to do a white elephant in the Fun Bunch? I figure I still need to find my niece and nephew something, but what? Ages 1 and 2 ~ what to do? Then there is Miss Kels…I have her something she wants (blanket and pillow set from Kirkland’s of all places), something she needs (Lush bath gift set, could be a want also LOL!) but I still need to get the play with and read. Then there is the Santa gift, and I am totally stumped on that one!!!

I’ve spent this last week in California at an e-learning conference. I have learned quite a bit, but honestly I still feel slightly stupid when it comes to much of the technology I deal with. I’m hoping that

I’m smarter than I think I am, but who knows! The weather here though, is wonderful. I was slightly jealous that when we got into California last Friday, it was raining here, and over 70* back home! Cest la vie! J The scenery here ~ is just gorgeous! I really do like Kansas, but wow, there is just about everything here. It’s breathtaking. I am sure my pictures don’t do it justice to say the least.

My internal time clock is still very messed up. It’s 10pm here, midnight at home and I’m finally not tired at 7. But I should turn in so thank you for reading along. God bless and be kind to people. Enjoy your family, because life is short.

Friday, September 4, 2009

4 September 2009 - 4:40 p.m.

My uncle just passed away. How ironic - my cousin is getting married Saturday (happy occasion) and my uncle passed away from cancer the day before. He had cancer. He was diagnosed maybe 6 months ago and is gone. And still he amazes me, his planning, even on his death bed. Just wow.

I started this Friday afternoon, right after my dad called. Three hours later as I was shopping for baby shower games I got a text from my cousin that a couple of our really good friends were in a horrible bike wreck and were taken to KU Med. She was thrown 45 feet from the bike, he was with the bike.

It's now Sunday afternoon, I should be cleaning but I am unmotivated at best. My cousin did send an update that he opened his eyes today and nodded yes. His wife is still unresponsive. They were both placed in a "chemical coma" to keep them sedated so the dr's could do their "thing" with surgeries, etc. They have three boys who need their parents home. They don't have insurance. She was taken by life flight to the hospital. Their bills will be exorbitant... They are really good people. If you're reading this and feel led to pray, they can definitely use the prayers.

This weekend has been filled with so many emotions.

Friday's Blatherings...

I really wanted a word that began with F, but blathering's is kinda cool and so it's blatherings vs. ramblings....which I tend to do.

So it's Friday, the boss has left for a road trip and I'm getting a massage in 2 hours. Wow, over a year since my last one (which was also my first) it sad that I am excited? I hope not. And I guess even if it is, it doesn't change things ha!

Kings of Leon has been playing in the background as I've been working along, trying to get some things done, and succeeding in none of them. It feels like there are too many things for me to do, and not enough time. It's raining.....and the windows at home are open. Sigh. There is fabric for baby quilts calling out for cutting and I haven't been to the gym in days.

My cousin is getting married Saturday. Baby shower next weekend for one of the besties and we have no games yet. Time is running out on everything damn it. I spoke to the college because I missed fall enrollment. So now, transcripts need to be ordered, blankets need to be made, posters need to be invented........and yeah.......when?

I suppose the blog isn't helping right now LOL!

I was thinking about past, my present, my future. I have been reading some old blogs and I feel like I've come quite a ways from where I was two years ago, ripping pictures off of walls, loading cars up full of other people's junk...

I was asked today to pretend I got along with my ex. But honestly I don't hate him anymore. I don't particularly care for him, and I've worked hard to separate our lives. I'm not sure about how it "should" be but for me, I need separation. We're not "friends", we're certainly not lovers, but we share a child. I have worked hard to be pleasant but not too pleasant as to give off a false impression. I know that we need to work together with raising her, but we should both have an interest in doing so...he just seems to want her to somehow magically grow up to be a good person with little guidance or input. Heck, he told her she's practically an age 9. Sure, which means I should be able to retire next month too!

Sigh - to know before what you know after....what would you change? I don't know if I can answer that. I love my daughter. I wouldn't change her. I wouldn't change having her. So I guess I wouldn't change the experiences leading up to her. And I guess everything is for a lesson or something like that right?!

I don't feel like I'm bitter anymore, although I have comments from time to time, that perhaps would suggest otherwise. I am at a point where I can see myself one day being remarried...which is huge because two years ago, it was never a consideration. I think now, if I found the right person, maybe. Although time for dating and all of that is practically non-existent so I guess if I don't remarry it's because time ran out. I'll be ok either way. I just hope Peanut will take care of me in my old age. ;)

Anyhow, I guess I should close this out and get some work done. HAPPY FRIDAY! <3

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My Bucket List...

So I've been working on my bucket list. I have had the post partially ready to post for about 3 months...and it's still incomplete. Maybe I don't have the "time" to sit down and think of those things I want to do...or maybe putting them in writing is sort of prophetic......and if I fail to accomplish all of those things on my bucket list, maybe I'll feel like more of a failure so I put nothing down instead.....or maybe I'll feel like my list isn't long enough....

So for now.......on my bucket list - is to finish my bucket list :)

Passive Aggressive you have them?

current mood: Bewildered

So yeah, I came into work today and noticed my chair was lower than normal. No big deal because I know where the handle is to fix that kind of thing.

So I sat down, raised my chair and went on about my business. As I'm working along my supervisor (whom I share an office with...couldn't BE more ideal!) asks me if I fell into my chair. Hmmmmm I admit I am curious but I don't take the bait. "No, I noticed it was lower so I raised it."

"oh, so you saw before you sat down."

"well yeah, so I raised it up when I sat down"

(all the while thinking - are we really having this conversation.......about my chair........and why.........and is this a great day or what!?)

And so she tells me that SHE lowered my chair & my co-worker's chair because hers was lowered the past 2 days.

Ummmmmmm wow. I had no words. I still don't. I have no idea what you say to that so I just didn't answer.

And when she left the room, I raised my colleagues chair.......and yes, right now I am considering lowering that bad!?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Happy Wine Wednesday

That's right - today is Wine Wednesday. How are you celebrating?

Peanut is with her dad for a while tonight, and I'm watching a friend's girls for a bit. I'm thinking about getting some quilts ready for those friends of mine who are about to pop! So cutting fabric, crocheting perhaps, playing with two fun little girls and trying a new wine?! Perhaps so!