Thursday, December 17, 2009

What do you want from me?

I’ve been thinking a lot about life, people, and expectations. I am currently not enjoying my job as much as I could be, and a big reason for that is expectations. What is expected of me, and what is communicated regarding those expectations are vastly different. It makes for a really sucky work day to be quite honest. If you expect me to wear orange every third Thursday, but never tell me, I won’t know. However, you expect me to be direct with you regarding all of the issues I have with you. I’m not seeing the correlation…at all. And now, I spend my evenings dreading my mornings because I don’t want to be here the way things are. I’m thinking about finding a different career path, away from something I truly enjoy doing, because of the work environment. That frankly, saddens me. I love what I do.

Then there are other expectations. What do I want out of life? How do I want to be treated? What are the ways someone can show me I am important to them? It seems like it should be so easy, but it’s just not and I go back to that looming thought that perhaps, I should just stay alone…hone my crochet skills, get some more cats and prepare myself for when Peanut grows up and moves on with her life. Stupid I know, but…still. That’s how I feel much of the time. And I get myself all wrapped around the axel and then can’t figure out how to move past the stagnant point I’m at. There are things I want, things I’ll never say and again, I am sad. I have had a few songs lately that kind of hit me a certain way. I miss so many things about being in a relationship. I made decisions as of late, that frankly might not have been the best ones for my heart. And now, I am rethinking them. Of course, it might be a little late, because once your heart feels a certain way or once you’ve developed feelings for a person you can’t turn them off. But I sense a “backing off” which maybe is for the best. I just want honesty. All out, full fledged honesty. “I’m scared.” Or “I like you but am worried about the future.” I want someone who will ask how my day was, and good or bad – be the ear I need, when I need it. So maybe I need to be the one to back off? I don’t know. More questions than answers…what fun this is.

This is all probably stuff I should not share in a blog, public forum, yada yada but I need to get it out of my system. I’ve gone up and down this month…thinking about all of the things around me. Family, relationships, what I want out of life. I’ve tried my damndest to be positive but honestly, sometimes being alone just really sucks. I want my daughter to have two loving parents, who live together, and provide an example of what a good marriage is. I want to be loved. I want to be honored. I feel selfish saying all of this too, which I am sure is one of those collateral damage things from a previous marriage, with many ill effects on a person’s self esteem. I am 31 … which to me sounds old and young. Old enough that I should already have all of the above, and young as in too young to die. Where is the happy medium? I am not old.

More of What I Want…

Romance. Love. I want to know you’re thinking of me. I want little things…a random phone call, a letter (an actual posted letter), an email, an IM…..some even on the same day once in a while.
I am sitting at work, not able to concentrate because of all of the outside “drama” going on. I see people I care about who are hurting at the “hands” of another, and I don’t understand. I don’t understand how people come to accept so little in return for their love. And how they condone it as “enough” when really it’s just complete bullsh*t! Actions are so important in a relationship. Any and all actions should be evaluated. Someone can say I love you 4,000 different ways (or whatever the correct factoid is on that) but to show you……takes more commitment. More than some are willing to give.

Anyhow, these songs…really got me “down” I guess…thinking about what I want out of life, what I have, and wondering what I’ll ever have that is close to what I want. And as I write this, I know I more than likely won’t post this as a blog entry because really, it’s kind of depressing.

And the songs…

How do you feel? That is the question...But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer.

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