I think I forgot

to mention a few other things that I remembered as I read through my post...

Actually I know I forgot, although I'm not sure how exactly...

#1 -- I decided to go back to school finally. I found the one online program that offered a BA in Anthropology (I know...I'm weird.)

#2 -- I found out how different people handle grieving. 2 years ago when we lost my grandma, my family was amazing. There was NEVER one ounce of backbiting or meanness. Not once. I love that about my family. Fast forward almost 2 years later...my stepdad passed away. What a mix of emotions for me. Things I won't even go into because after all, if you are following this or reading, you're certainly not paid enough to be my therapist. But wow were his daughters amazing in a not so great way. The way they have treated my mother and me...what a huge disappointment and an eye opener.

So 2 big things from the lapse in blogging...that should have been included and weren't. Mea culpa.

It's entirely possible

that I'm late. Late to update that is. Holy crackers - a year and a half? So what's new, what's old? What's the haps yo?

I am now the mother of a partially fun, partially rude 12 year old 6th grader. Man I love her. But there are days (here recently it feels like every day) where she pushes me so hard and I am tired. I'm tired of being "the bad guy" even though I'm the one who is always there. So not fair. I'm the one who is there, even on the weekends she isn't home. It's me she calls. And it's me she treats like trash. I know she's growing up. I know she's learning to assert herself. But honestly...she also needs to learn WHEN to assert herself. The disrespect is overwhelming. And her dad is a hero. Always fun at her dad's. Although most of those weekends lately are spent at my mom's house. Go figure.

I know that he could be worse but it angers me that he is put upon a pedestal when he's not dealing with the day to day life, and has no idea how much non-fun it is to get ready for school every day, pack a lunch, go through the chores, work on handwriting, mold a little person in the hopes that she grows to be a wonderful person.

So since October 2010, what's new...well it's daunting to try and remember the last year and a half so highlights it is! It IS spring after all ;)

On the job front - I worked @ one place for almost 9 years. We lost a major contract, and people started getting letters. How "lucky" for me to be one of the first. I received my notice on Halloween, and my last day was scheduled to be the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. The first time in my working life (almost 20 years) that I was unemployed and it didn't feel too great. I worried that I wouldn't find a job. I applied for tons of jobs. I finally found a position and luckily I was only out of work for a month. Amazingly blessed.

What else is new since 10-10 -- I met a nice guy. But I had this bet you see. So no dating for a year. From July 2010-June 2011 - no dating. This bet had a whole $10 riding on it. And pride. Then there's this guy. This guy I lost a bet for. And I cannot tell you how happy I am that I lost a bet for him. I still run to answer the phone, I still laugh at all of his jokes, he still makes me happy. And it's been over a year. He is great to my little person, and great to me.

And my little person....whoa are we going through some fun right now. The disrespect is overwhelming. (oh wait - I said that already! See...Overwhelming!) I'm trying really hard to figure out ways to keep my calm, and not let it get to me. I shouldn't react. Sometimes I just do. And I feel like the World's Worst Parent. Then there are those friends who have BTDT and they remind me that this is how it is...and it's all normal, and it will get better ... in like 6-8 years or so. A bright spot.

Hopefully the rest of the birthday week will see me with a nice tween who loves me and shows me as much. Thanks for reading! All 2 of you ;)

a song for my Peanut

I used to think this was a "love song".......but I heard it tonight and it made me kind of teary, thinking about my little Peanut and how she won't stop growing...

My Wish: Rascall Flatts...

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Gotta love propaganda.......

and so tonight Peanut has finally seen the images she's been begging to see for days. Bed Bugs......and Mites. God only knows why...but she's wanted to see them. And so...I googled.

That led to a discussion on how old her mattress is, and how after 8 years we need to replace (thank you TV and Radio). And then......kids say the darndest things right? Like...

"I want a tempurpedic"

*I laughed* (snorted, smirked, HA'd uber loud)

"I'm serious mom, I have back problems. That's why I sleep on the floor at my dad's"

"Then your DAD can buy you a tempurpedic mattress for HIS house..." (nicely of course)

"He doesn't have any money."

"and you think I do?"

"You have more than him right?""well let's see, I'm one person paying all the bills here, your dad is married with two incomes"

shut......down. Sigh.......and stuff.

sometimes

I suck at life. Or maybe more often than sometimes but most definitely lately. Sucking. At. Life.

God bless.

Things kids say........

We went to a "make and take" last night...cute cards and ideas and owls! Love the owls! But I digress....

And so...the other night, I sent Peanut to get ready for bed in her bathroom, and I was getting ready for mine. As per the usual kiddo-ness, I had a 10 year old outside of my bathroom door soon after, talking through the door. The following conversation took place through that door:

Peanut: Mom, you should check me for scoliosis.
Me: Oh yeah, why is that?
Peanut: Because anyone can get it, it's not just heritage.

Moments later......

Peanut: I need to write a will.
Me: Why is that?
Peanut: Because you can go at any time. I think I will leave you my room. I'll leave Emilee one silly band, Camille the rest because she didn't try to get my boyfriend to cheat on me. You can also have my money. I have $300. And two cents. I'm a rich ten year old.

And so.....so very often we think little people don't pay attention, but they do, and that's not just heritage....

Time goes by, life goes on......

8/9/10....my grandma would have been 81. I remember when I was Peanut's age, 30 sounded old. As you approach 30, it gets less and less old ha ha! She is now 10, and my rule of 30 before you can date destroys her. She can't understand. She tells me I will have no say over her once she moves out at 18. That stings a bit (partly because she is right and partly because she is so set on moving out AT 18!) What's wrong with me? I'm a good mom to her. I should be thankful that she's saying 18 on her OWN instead of "I want to live with my dad" which surely might kill me.

It's funny. I look back on my grandma's life, and the things I know about her, and only after having my own child, can I realize the kind of love she had for her 9 children. NINE! The woman was truly a saint. God how I miss her. When we were going through things that were sentimental to us, we came across a picture made by Diane who was very young when she died. My grandma had saved it for 60+ years. Did I mention I miss her?

I have this sassy little 10 year old. She thinks she is getting pimples already. Did I mention, she is 10? OH yeah...I did. Sigh. She is going through the roller coaster of the new hormones and emotions, and she is not sure why everything makes her cry lately. I have tried explaining it but I swear I don't remember crying that much. I'm sure I did. I just blocked it out!

////changing the subject/////

I decided to take a year off from dating - to find myself. One month into this "journey" and I haven't done anything great or spectacular, but I feel good. I know what I want. I certainly know what I don't want. I do need to continue with that "to do" list though, and start checking things off. I need to work on that bucket list. Sigh. So many things, and once you put them in ink, you HAVE to do them - right? I mean if you don't do all of them, do you feel like a failure?

I don't know where all this was supposed to go. Perhaps it was just a brain dump of blah.....everything. So taking stock, and inventory - I need to go back to school. I decided on the general area of study, NOW I need to find somewhere I can do this on nights and weekends, maybe with the option of an actual classroom vice online. That seems to be the trouble now. The college I want to go to, doesn't appear to offer night classes or online classes in what I'm wanting to do. So now what? Find somewhere else. Next - lose the weight and tone. Next - become the best at what I do. Learn it all, do it all!

Good thing my goals aren't too unrealistic :)

Thanks for reading the brain dump. Ciao for now - off to be the best at what I do today. Or try!