Time goes by, life goes on......

8/9/10....my grandma would have been 81. I remember when I was Peanut's age, 30 sounded old. As you approach 30, it gets less and less old ha ha! She is now 10, and my rule of 30 before you can date destroys her. She can't understand. She tells me I will have no say over her once she moves out at 18. That stings a bit (partly because she is right and partly because she is so set on moving out AT 18!) What's wrong with me? I'm a good mom to her. I should be thankful that she's saying 18 on her OWN instead of "I want to live with my dad" which surely might kill me.

It's funny. I look back on my grandma's life, and the things I know about her, and only after having my own child, can I realize the kind of love she had for her 9 children. NINE! The woman was truly a saint. God how I miss her. When we were going through things that were sentimental to us, we came across a picture made by Diane who was very young when she died. My grandma had saved it for 60+ years. Did I mention I miss her?

I have this sassy little 10 year old. She thinks she is getting pimples already. Did I mention, she is 10? OH yeah...I did. Sigh. She is going through the roller coaster of the new hormones and emotions, and she is not sure why everything makes her cry lately. I have tried explaining it but I swear I don't remember crying that much. I'm sure I did. I just blocked it out!

////changing the subject/////

I decided to take a year off from dating - to find myself. One month into this "journey" and I haven't done anything great or spectacular, but I feel good. I know what I want. I certainly know what I don't want. I do need to continue with that "to do" list though, and start checking things off. I need to work on that bucket list. Sigh. So many things, and once you put them in ink, you HAVE to do them - right? I mean if you don't do all of them, do you feel like a failure?

I don't know where all this was supposed to go. Perhaps it was just a brain dump of blah.....everything. So taking stock, and inventory - I need to go back to school. I decided on the general area of study, NOW I need to find somewhere I can do this on nights and weekends, maybe with the option of an actual classroom vice online. That seems to be the trouble now. The college I want to go to, doesn't appear to offer night classes or online classes in what I'm wanting to do. So now what? Find somewhere else. Next - lose the weight and tone. Next - become the best at what I do. Learn it all, do it all!

Good thing my goals aren't too unrealistic :)

Thanks for reading the brain dump. Ciao for now - off to be the best at what I do today. Or try!

Short and sweet for now

I can't believe how long it's been since I have updated my blog. Bad, bad blogger ;)

Maybe I wasn't meant to be a blogger. A lot has changed since December. Work for the most part has improved (thank you God), although we are busier than snot, which is stressful but a good stress... I love what I do, but sometimes question if I am good enough.

I dated someone for a short while. Thought the stars might have lined up but I was incorrect. Fortunately I don't think I had really invested as much as I thought, because I was not as sad as I expected to be. I was more angry. That has passed. There are times, when the anger seeps in....mostly because of the "lies" and because Peanut really liked this fellow. He was not the right one. Accepted. Moving forward. One year off. No dating. Nada. Focus on me & Peanut. Go back to school? Find the time and do it! Ok...sheesh!

I lost my grandma this spring. That, more than anything, saddens me on any given day. I think of her daily. I can't believe she isn't there anymore. I can't go to her house, sit at her table with her and chat. I can't get up at 2am with her and have cookies anymore. I fear my daughter won't remember her. She'll never have the memories I had of her. I hope that I am doing my part to foster the memories she can have with her remaining grandparents.

And my daughter. Going into the fifth grade. So hard to believe. I look back at pictures and can't believe she is already going into the fifth grade. I am the mother of a pre-teen emotional almost middle-schooler. Sigh. I got this.....right?

Anyhow, it's late, I should be asleep but am not. Thank you for taking the time if you read this. Peace out! :) <3