I'm 35 - so what?

I just turned 35 this month. The "weird" about it is that the number bothered me a little. Not enough to seek psychiatric help or anything, but enough. Then I decided - screw that! Who CARES that I'm halfway to 70?! I should BE so lucky!  After my divorce, I worked a second job at a scrapbook store. Loved that store. I remember waiting on a woman who seemed somewhat bitter and angry. I asked for her ID since she wrote a check. She got all upset and complained because she was 69 (pretty sure that's right) and she looked horrible and yada yada yada. I said well it could be worse. Enjoy that you've made it this far. That sent her further into her crankiness. Then I told her my aunt was in her 40's and in the care of Hospice. *Boom* gratitude for where you are YET? If you haven't heard about *BOOM* and gratitude, you really should check out I Want a Dumpster Baby  because she has the market cornered on gratitude and it's an amazing thing.

As a child 35 sounded so OOOOOOOOOOOLD! But as you get closer to 35 (or turn 35) you realize 35 ain't old yo! "You're only as old as you feel..." Most days I'm still feeling pretty young, although a thicker version of my young self...working on that ... baby steps. Then I think about two very important women in my life who were taken so very young. Check your breasts! And if you feel a lump get it checked out! Don't think it'll go away and don't rely on God alone to heal you. If your faith is centered around God (or a God, or a Goddess) know this - That divine creator you believe in made people SMART ENOUGH to become doctors!


So, in the days leading up to my actual birth DAY (because I celebrate me all month long folks ;) ) I kept saying to myself, "Self, what HAVE you learned in 35 years? Anything useful yet?" And I think I have learned a few useful things...

1. Even though I tell my daughter to choose her friends over boys because her friends will be there longer, I've realized that the friendships I had with most of those friends I was besties with from middle school or high school - are not the same. Friendship does require give and take. Always. I have a few friends that I have known since the 2nd grade. (my daughter is in awe of that, because I am SO OLD to her... Just wait Peanut... Just you wait.)

My own version of "Where Are They Now?" Circa 1984

The friendships that mean the most to me now are the friendships that I can count on. I joke that my true friends are the ones I could call at 2am from jail, knowing they would bail me out. And I would for them too. Hopefully none of us goes to jail but hey, you never know ;) So I'm figuring out (even today) who my seasons, reasons, and lifetimes are. I also hold fast to the Peanut cannot date till she's 30 rule. Ain't nobody got time for that!

2. For reasons some of my close friends know, I've pretty much always had this belief: If I wouldn't want my daughter treated this way, why would I allow it for myself? What's weird though is there are these lessons that we know we will eventually need to teach our girls (or children) but I'm never quite prepared for how soon it creeps up. Example: I want my daughter to be a strong minded, powerful, caring, sensitive young woman who has no fear about expressing herself or standing up for what is right. Enter middle school and alllllllll of this drama! Like holy crows and buzzards, the DRAMA IS UNREAL and I don't remember it being this bad, but in all actuality, it probably was. And we had the added pressures of not wearing gang colors because there are so many gangs in small town LV... and really, if we weren't supposed to wear gang colors, why were our school colors red and black? but I digress! Meanness, and boys that don't know their role. Teach your kids young. Teach them about standing up for themselves - whether it's with a mean girl, or with a boy who feels he has too many rights to her body. Tell them you will support them for standing up. Don't be scared. Take care of YOU. I will be there for you. Never be afraid to stand up for yourself. If you feel something is not right, tell someone. If someone is invading your personal space in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell someone. Know that the people you call friends should not be mean and hateful to you - THAT is not a friend.

3.  In 35 years, I have been married, divorced, become a mother, parented an amazing stepson, become an aunt, dated some real winners (where is that sarcasm font?), and am currently dating a pretty amazing guy (no sarcasm font needed). I've been through three divorces in my life (mine and my parents). I've seen how truly shitty people can be when someone dies (and I mean shit-TEEE!), and I've also seen how families can come together during a death. I learned how to drive, had my first accident and totaled my first car, had SEVERAL jobs, started school a few times, lost a gallbladder, lost a job, tried different jobs, push mowed my yard, fixed broken things, started many craft projects, finished almost none, made baby quilts for my friends' babies, gone back to school for real this time (which sucks I'll just say ;) ), and maybe there's more. I mean I'm sure there is. I am a few short years from teaching my own daughter how to drive...and it reminds me of that time in my life. Having done all of that above, I know there's so much more to do. The best thing I can hope to do is to raise a daughter who is strong, independent, capable, caring, considerate and empathetic. Raising teenagers is fun y'all. No lie.

That's right - a homemade hippie-ish dress
and Dr. Martens - because I was awesome!

And finally, I've learned that we have all faced something unpleasant at one time or another. Mine is no worse than yours, I can't judge you on your unpleasant things and try to one up you. I want to live a happy life. If someone is having a bad day, I don't want that to influence my day. Selfish? Maybe. Probably. But I'm not responsible for you. I can't fix what's upsetting you. I can fix me. I can take care of me. I don't want to be down and depressed and angry. When my friend and I went through our divorce, we had an aquaintence who was that way. She would COMPETE with the bad. "Your aunt is dying? Well I hate my job." (an actual quote from the wretchedly unhappy person...) Who wants to BE like that? Not me! 

So what are your goals for the next 35 years? What are you most looking forward to, besides the end of this blog post? :) Thanks for reading!

April

I'd like to request a do-over please?

Seriously? A do-over...for this past day/week/month? The other day I was driving home, and I was thinking about how great it was to be a young adult, living at home, with few responsibilities. Man I used to hate drying the dishes and peeling the potatoes. Potatoes ... AGAIN?

But seriously - peel potatoes, dust & vacuum, and dry dishes and shut your stinking pie-hole, you complaining teen. Just wait...see how life will be once you hit adulthood. Wait till you have a child who depends on you. Wait till that child breaks your heart multiple times, and yet - they still depend on you, and somewhere deep down, I'm sure they still love and admire you?

Some days are just harder than others. Some days I think about going back to bed. This was one of those days. As it turns out, maybe it would've been for the best? I'm the one that many come to with their problems and concerns. I love being that for them. But when I get down, I don't know who I can go to. There are a few people, but I mostly just want to hole up within myself, in my home, and be left alone. I don't want to DO anything for ANYONE.

I just want a break. Please.

Sorry for the moody, melancholy, sad post. Spring needs to hurry.

Deep thoughts…by April

I’m sitting here listening to this: http://tinyurl.com/buuzjz5 and I think I’ve figured out that Jack Handey guy. (If you don’t know who Jack Handey is, click here: http://tinyurl.com/bpj8v3q )

Here in Kansas, we just had over 2 feet of snow dumped on us in less than a week. What fun! Winter has finally arrived and it’s almost March. Wait, what? Tomorrow is March 1^st. I spent 4 hours shoveling and cleaning snow off of everything I might need to walk on around my house. That gives you a lot of time to think and pontificate ;)

So what kinds of random thoughts went through my head? Oh, I don’t know – things like:

• Wow, I have been shoveling snow by myself at this house for six years. That’s right – I’ve been a single mom for 6+ years. Holy snikes. Look at me go!
• Sometimes it would be nice to be a renter.
• To the neighbors with no name because they’re asshats ~ your father would NOT be proud of how you’ve taken care of his house (and I still have the picture so suck it!).
• I’m pretty impressed with how much Peanut has been helping me out today. Look at her go.
• Maybe I should have left the gloves on after all.
• Looks like those cute boots weren’t water proof after all.

Tomorrow marks a milestone of sorts for me. Fifteen months smoke free. Holy crow. I can do it.

Thanks for reading – all three of you! :)

You can’t be serious…

Oh but you can, and you are. I’m trying really hard to be patient and nice. It’s generally NOT in my nature to be an overbearing bitch but seriously…after a week of this, I am over being nice.

Peanut was diagnosed in 2^nd grade with ADHD. (Before anyone goes spouting off with judgy comments, save them. She was evaluated; I went through other options such as diet, etc. before choosing to try medication for her…save that shit for someone else ok!)

Now… she was on one medication for 3 years with no trouble. Grades were excellent; side effects were minimal to non-existent. She is smaller, but she will most likely be smaller because her dad’s family is short. Then she started to develop a bald patch on her head. We were off to the doctor who pulled up the other not-so-common side effects list and there it is – can cause hair loss. I immediately took her off of the medication. She felt somewhat out of sorts because she depended on it to keep her focused and on track. 

The doctor wanted her off medication for at least one month. I wanted to see how she would do off of it permanently. She was off for three months when it was time for the back-to-school doctor visit. The doctor prescribed a newer medication. I took it to get it filled but was told they couldn’t fill it till the doctor authorized it. (Does anyone else understand why this makes no sense? I’m bringing you a prescription SIGNED by the doctor….)

The doctor’s office said maybe the insurance would fill it if she tried 2-3 other things first, since that medication is newer. Great – guinea pig my kid. No thanks. Fast forward six months – she’s doing great in school, but not so great at home. Let’s see what our options are. We go back to the doctor to discuss options and medications to see if that helps. Here is where it gets fun folks.

I took her on a Friday afternoon. The doctor handed me two slips – one for ADHD medication, one for eczema cream. The upcoming weekend was her dad’s weekend, and he’d be by to get her around 4 (maybe) so I didn’t fill it on Friday. I dropped the prescription off Monday. The pharmacy tech told me he couldn’t fill it without prior authorization from the doctor. So he was going to fax the form to the doctor’s office. Cool. Sweet. I’ll check back. I called on Wednesday. No dice. No prior authorization. They were still waiting on the doctor’s office. I called the doctor’s office. “Someone in our office handles those.”

MMM kay….So I called the pharmacy on Friday. Nothing. Oh and P.S. lady – the eczema cream you wanted – we don’t have it, but we can fill it tomorrow…for $129. $129!? For a TUBE OF CREAM!? No. Isn’t there a generic? Well dear customer, if you want a generic, you’ll have to call your doctor and ask them to prescribe one. (I remember when generic medications were the norm and were given out instead of the name brand…you had to request the name brand…)

So another call to the doctor’s office – who directed me to call the insurance company to find out what generic medications are covered by them (you’ve got to be effing kidding me with this shit right!? Oh you’re not kidding. Well f*** you.)

And it’s now Monday. One week later. Neither medication has been filled but OH have I called people! I called the insurance and spoke to a woman who was so empathetic (sarcasm) … she checked their system re: eczema cream. Oh look – I can order it in my system and it’s only $102, not $129… ONLY $102. Let that one sink in a moment ok. In regard to the other medication, the doctor has to authorize it…she doesn’t show it has been processed by the doctor so I should call them.  Great. I’ll CALL THEM! OK – here’s a number you should have them call to process it. GREAT. THANK YOU!! So I called the doctor and left a message. Then I called the pharmacy to see if the prior authorization had been processed by them. No. GREAT! So I called the someone who processes the requests and left a voicemail…that’s 2 voicemails so far in one hour. The doctor’s office called me back finally to tell me that they never received the fax from the pharmacy. GREAT!! So I called the pharmacy BACK again….and asked them to MAKE sure this is taken care of today.

So……the only thing that has been accomplished besides my raised blood pressure was phone calls. What a fantastic Monday. Who says healthcare needs an overhaul?! It’s absolutely perfect folks.

A mom comes clean...

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD around age 7. The teachers had pushed and pushed for us to medicate her before but we were going through a separation/divorce and I really felt that most of her concentration issues at school were related to her life being torn up from that. Finally, after about a year I made the decision to try medication. Immediately she was a different child in school. She sat in her chair, all day. She was getting straight A's and building confidence in her little self.

She seemed to handle the divorce just fine too, which was a blessing. Thankfully we didn't have as bad of a divorce as other friends I'd seen. We didn't get along fantastically but DUH - that was why we were getting divorced. I realize some might judge because we didn't stick it out and I'm sorry you feel you need to judge. I'm definitely a better mother to her now, mostly because we had completely different parenting styles, and belittling the mother of your children is just an asshole move to make, especially in FRONT of your children.

Her dad immediately started dating and introduced her to a woman who moved with him 6 months or so after the divorce. I went on a few dates but didn't find anyone to hang out with and introduce her to for a while. I finally did date someone that I let her meet. He ended up being a dud for a few reasons. A year later, the 2nd guy I dated also ended up also being a dud. They both taught me things about life (good and bad) and in the end, the Kiddo was smart...she didn't care for either man.

Now, whether or not she didn't care for them because of their character or because she wasn't into sharing her mom - I'm not sure. I've now been dating a wonderful man for almost 2 years. He's amazing to my daughter and me. But still we have this sharing problem. And we are going through this rough patch. She is approaching her teen years. I took her off of medication almost a year ago because of some of the side effects. She's been doing amazingly well in school, despite her feeling that she can't do it without medication. I'm so proud of her for being able to get the good grades, etc. without medication. So proud. And yet - at home, she doesn't seem to understand things - like talking back is disrespectful. And she says she feels like I'm always picking on her. And she feels like I love the man more than her. She is especially clingy. I'm sure there's an underlying reason right? She feels she is losing me (but how because I'm always there!). The clinginess annoys me, and then I feel bad.

I decided to go back to school (while working full time, being a single mom, and dating - can you say crazy!?). When I decided to go back to school, I talked to her about it - and about how I'd need help from her. This help could range from quiet time so mom can do homework/read to minor chores around the house, and doing things without mom having to lose her shit. I'll tell her that I need to read/do homework and need quiet time. I go to my room to read or write a paper and she's in there 50 times if she's in there once. So I shut my door and feel bad.

Is motherhood all about feeling bad all the damned time? Because this is not fun. :\

An Open Letter ...

In the past year you have said many things that were hurtful and rude. You disguise this by saying you want to always be honest. You have hurt your children with your words and you see nothing wrong with your actions. Many of your messages to me are a confusing, jumbled mess of nonsense. To you, they make perfect sense. You have said inappropriate things to me and other family members. You don’t acknowledge your faults…ever. You say you are always honest, but when it comes down to it, you’re not being honest. Not with you, and certainly not with others. You are pushing people away that care and causing much concern. You have made unwise choices, which got you beat up. You say that you’re a genius. Ok. Geniuses would know to check and make sure the girl you’re meeting up with is single. Geniuses don’t choose alcohol over their family. Geniuses don’t refer to themselves as God like.

It’s awesome that you have faith in God. I applaud that. However, when you choose to use the bible as a tool to beat people up with, you’re no better than the Pharisees in the bible. Look it up.

Your unwillingness to answer a question open and honestly implies you are lying; If not to the question-asker, then definitely to yourself. You twist messages and replies to suit your needs, showing yourself that of course you are the only one who is right and everyone else is out to get you.

You say you don’t need AA and that I must. While I might enjoy an occasional beer, I have not lost contact with my children, family or friends because of it. I haven’t been beat up because of it. It does not rule my life. I’m afraid it does rule yours. If not alcohol, something. Something is ruling your life and it isn’t you. You laugh when I tell you I hope you find your bottom soon. I just hope that your bottom isn’t as bad as others’.  I’m not sure what it will take for you to understand you have a problem. I know me telling you won’t help. You don’t hear it. You believe AA is from the devil. Interesting … since the basic prayer for AA is the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I hope that one day you decide to look beyond yourself. Here are the questions to ask yourself: http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=71

I love you but I can’t stand to be berated anymore.  No, I won’t stand for it. I hope that you figure it out soon before you lose the ones you love. This is not just affecting you.

Sincerely,

Your cousin.

Thril of the Junk ...

There is a store in our little downtown area that I love to go into. They have candles, purses, shirts, jewelry, just about everything a girl could want - all in one place (http://www.candlequeencandles.com/). They were featured on a site (junkmafia) which led me to look at other stores and junk places. I found an ad for something called "The Thrill of the Junk" which sounded like this HUGE junk sale...in Iowa. I thought it might be fun to road trip to see this grand sale...so I asked the manfriend if he was interested in taking a road trip and we were off early Saturday morning. Off to Iowa......

As it turns out - A. Our idea of junk and the Iowan idea of junk are very different. B. 3 hours is a long way to drive to find marked up home interior stuff. C. Does ANYONE in Iowa know what a flea market or swap n shop is? (btw the answer is a resounding NO).

So since we're close to Omaha, we went to look at car parts for the MF's 55 Chevy that he's restoring. We ended up making a pretty good day out of it, hitting some garage sales and finding amazing beef jerky in a strip mall and having overall a fairly good road trip day.

Something I've noticed lately is how the Peanut can be a bit selfish and rude...(is this true for all 12 year olds or have I done something wrong?) I feel like I am messing up somehow on raising her. WHY is she consistently rude to me? Why does she talk back consistently? Why is it that when I get onto her for her behavior, her response is to explain to me why she was doing wrong, instead of addressing the issues at hand? Am I wrong to expect her to correct her mistakes sooner than she does? These aren't new issues I'm addressing so why is it so hard to learn?

Remember when "children should be seen and not heard?" I still adhere somewhat to that philosophy. There are many times when the Peanut interrupts adults (to show me something in the store) or whatever... She inserts herself into many adult conversations (is this a flaw on my part?) When corrected, she doesn't see what she did wrong - she explains why she interrupted... The lack of impulse control is driving me batty!

Is this how they are, or am I messing her up? #Idon'treallyknowanymore