Gotta love propaganda.......

and so tonight Peanut has finally seen the images she's been begging to see for days. Bed Bugs......and Mites. God only knows why...but she's wanted to see them. And so...I googled.

That led to a discussion on how old her mattress is, and how after 8 years we need to replace (thank you TV and Radio). And then......kids say the darndest things right? Like...

"I want a tempurpedic"

*I laughed* (snorted, smirked, HA'd uber loud)

"I'm serious mom, I have back problems. That's why I sleep on the floor at my dad's"

"Then your DAD can buy you a tempurpedic mattress for HIS house..." (nicely of course)

"He doesn't have any money."

"and you think I do?"

"You have more than him right?""well let's see, I'm one person paying all the bills here, your dad is married with two incomes"

shut......down. Sigh.......and stuff.

sometimes

I suck at life. Or maybe more often than sometimes but most definitely lately. Sucking. At. Life.

God bless.

Things kids say........

We went to a "make and take" last night...cute cards and ideas and owls! Love the owls! But I digress....

And so...the other night, I sent Peanut to get ready for bed in her bathroom, and I was getting ready for mine. As per the usual kiddo-ness, I had a 10 year old outside of my bathroom door soon after, talking through the door. The following conversation took place through that door:

Peanut: Mom, you should check me for scoliosis.
Me: Oh yeah, why is that?
Peanut: Because anyone can get it, it's not just heritage.

Moments later......

Peanut: I need to write a will.
Me: Why is that?
Peanut: Because you can go at any time. I think I will leave you my room. I'll leave Emilee one silly band, Camille the rest because she didn't try to get my boyfriend to cheat on me. You can also have my money. I have $300. And two cents. I'm a rich ten year old.

And so.....so very often we think little people don't pay attention, but they do, and that's not just heritage....

Time goes by, life goes on......

8/9/10....my grandma would have been 81. I remember when I was Peanut's age, 30 sounded old. As you approach 30, it gets less and less old ha ha! She is now 10, and my rule of 30 before you can date destroys her. She can't understand. She tells me I will have no say over her once she moves out at 18. That stings a bit (partly because she is right and partly because she is so set on moving out AT 18!) What's wrong with me? I'm a good mom to her. I should be thankful that she's saying 18 on her OWN instead of "I want to live with my dad" which surely might kill me.

It's funny. I look back on my grandma's life, and the things I know about her, and only after having my own child, can I realize the kind of love she had for her 9 children. NINE! The woman was truly a saint. God how I miss her. When we were going through things that were sentimental to us, we came across a picture made by Diane who was very young when she died. My grandma had saved it for 60+ years. Did I mention I miss her?

I have this sassy little 10 year old. She thinks she is getting pimples already. Did I mention, she is 10? OH yeah...I did. Sigh. She is going through the roller coaster of the new hormones and emotions, and she is not sure why everything makes her cry lately. I have tried explaining it but I swear I don't remember crying that much. I'm sure I did. I just blocked it out!

////changing the subject/////

I decided to take a year off from dating - to find myself. One month into this "journey" and I haven't done anything great or spectacular, but I feel good. I know what I want. I certainly know what I don't want. I do need to continue with that "to do" list though, and start checking things off. I need to work on that bucket list. Sigh. So many things, and once you put them in ink, you HAVE to do them - right? I mean if you don't do all of them, do you feel like a failure?

I don't know where all this was supposed to go. Perhaps it was just a brain dump of blah.....everything. So taking stock, and inventory - I need to go back to school. I decided on the general area of study, NOW I need to find somewhere I can do this on nights and weekends, maybe with the option of an actual classroom vice online. That seems to be the trouble now. The college I want to go to, doesn't appear to offer night classes or online classes in what I'm wanting to do. So now what? Find somewhere else. Next - lose the weight and tone. Next - become the best at what I do. Learn it all, do it all!

Good thing my goals aren't too unrealistic :)

Thanks for reading the brain dump. Ciao for now - off to be the best at what I do today. Or try!

Short and sweet for now

I can't believe how long it's been since I have updated my blog. Bad, bad blogger ;)

Maybe I wasn't meant to be a blogger. A lot has changed since December. Work for the most part has improved (thank you God), although we are busier than snot, which is stressful but a good stress... I love what I do, but sometimes question if I am good enough.

I dated someone for a short while. Thought the stars might have lined up but I was incorrect. Fortunately I don't think I had really invested as much as I thought, because I was not as sad as I expected to be. I was more angry. That has passed. There are times, when the anger seeps in....mostly because of the "lies" and because Peanut really liked this fellow. He was not the right one. Accepted. Moving forward. One year off. No dating. Nada. Focus on me & Peanut. Go back to school? Find the time and do it! Ok...sheesh!

I lost my grandma this spring. That, more than anything, saddens me on any given day. I think of her daily. I can't believe she isn't there anymore. I can't go to her house, sit at her table with her and chat. I can't get up at 2am with her and have cookies anymore. I fear my daughter won't remember her. She'll never have the memories I had of her. I hope that I am doing my part to foster the memories she can have with her remaining grandparents.

And my daughter. Going into the fifth grade. So hard to believe. I look back at pictures and can't believe she is already going into the fifth grade. I am the mother of a pre-teen emotional almost middle-schooler. Sigh. I got this.....right?

Anyhow, it's late, I should be asleep but am not. Thank you for taking the time if you read this. Peace out! :) <3

What do you want from me?

I’ve been thinking a lot about life, people, and expectations. I am currently not enjoying my job as much as I could be, and a big reason for that is expectations. What is expected of me, and what is communicated regarding those expectations are vastly different. It makes for a really sucky work day to be quite honest. If you expect me to wear orange every third Thursday, but never tell me, I won’t know. However, you expect me to be direct with you regarding all of the issues I have with you. I’m not seeing the correlation…at all. And now, I spend my evenings dreading my mornings because I don’t want to be here the way things are. I’m thinking about finding a different career path, away from something I truly enjoy doing, because of the work environment. That frankly, saddens me. I love what I do.

Then there are other expectations. What do I want out of life? How do I want to be treated? What are the ways someone can show me I am important to them? It seems like it should be so easy, but it’s just not and I go back to that looming thought that perhaps, I should just stay alone…hone my crochet skills, get some more cats and prepare myself for when Peanut grows up and moves on with her life. Stupid I know, but…still. That’s how I feel much of the time. And I get myself all wrapped around the axel and then can’t figure out how to move past the stagnant point I’m at. There are things I want, things I’ll never say and again, I am sad. I have had a few songs lately that kind of hit me a certain way. I miss so many things about being in a relationship. I made decisions as of late, that frankly might not have been the best ones for my heart. And now, I am rethinking them. Of course, it might be a little late, because once your heart feels a certain way or once you’ve developed feelings for a person you can’t turn them off. But I sense a “backing off” which maybe is for the best. I just want honesty. All out, full fledged honesty. “I’m scared.” Or “I like you but am worried about the future.” I want someone who will ask how my day was, and good or bad – be the ear I need, when I need it. So maybe I need to be the one to back off? I don’t know. More questions than answers…what fun this is.

This is all probably stuff I should not share in a blog, public forum, yada yada but I need to get it out of my system. I’ve gone up and down this month…thinking about all of the things around me. Family, relationships, what I want out of life. I’ve tried my damndest to be positive but honestly, sometimes being alone just really sucks. I want my daughter to have two loving parents, who live together, and provide an example of what a good marriage is. I want to be loved. I want to be honored. I feel selfish saying all of this too, which I am sure is one of those collateral damage things from a previous marriage, with many ill effects on a person’s self esteem. I am 31 … which to me sounds old and young. Old enough that I should already have all of the above, and young as in too young to die. Where is the happy medium? I am not old.

More of What I Want…

Romance. Love. I want to know you’re thinking of me. I want little things…a random phone call, a letter (an actual posted letter), an email, an IM…..some even on the same day once in a while.
I am sitting at work, not able to concentrate because of all of the outside “drama” going on. I see people I care about who are hurting at the “hands” of another, and I don’t understand. I don’t understand how people come to accept so little in return for their love. And how they condone it as “enough” when really it’s just complete bullsh*t! Actions are so important in a relationship. Any and all actions should be evaluated. Someone can say I love you 4,000 different ways (or whatever the correct factoid is on that) but to show you……takes more commitment. More than some are willing to give.

Anyhow, these songs…really got me “down” I guess…thinking about what I want out of life, what I have, and wondering what I’ll ever have that is close to what I want. And as I write this, I know I more than likely won’t post this as a blog entry because really, it’s kind of depressing.

And the songs…

http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/557/stone_sour..come_what_ever_may..through_glass.html
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nickelback/nevergonnabealone.html
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/3doorsdown/yourarmsfeellikehome.html


How do you feel? That is the question...But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer.

November 13th already?!

So it’s already mid-November. Where does the time go? Reflecting on this past year, it’s been an interesting one to say the least. I finally got the courage up to trust someone only to find out I trusted the wrong person. Life’s little lessons … it would be nice if there were read ahead materials available. But I guess it wouldn’t work out too well so we just roll on and live it!

We had an awesome vacation to Florida, to include a surprise Disney World Day for Kelsey. She was shocked ~ which honestly might have been one of the major highlights. There was also the air boat swamp tour. So awesome!

Fast forward to the new school year. 4^th grade. Already?! What the… how does this happen? I remember my grandparents putting their hands on my head telling me to put a brick on my head so I would stop growing, and I always thought they were so silly. Man I miss them now.

Kelsey has a new friend, E. They are best friends…right now. They were both “in love” with the same boy, Lee. I had to teach that lesson, boys shouldn’t come before your friends. But she’s 9, so I’m sure it will happen again.

And somehow, they were “boyfriend/girlfriend” despite my hard, steadfast rule of no dating till she is 30. What gives! I have to say there are days when Kelsey’s selfishness bugs me but I know she is 9. In her mind,everything should revolve around her. But then, you see these glimpses of such a huge heart. E’s mother is around about once a year. She lives with her dad and her sister, and it’s not the best of circumstances. The school has a choir program for kids in grades 4-6 and Kels wanted to join. So did E, but she didn’t have the $8 to get the shirt. Kelsey spotted her the money she needed to get her own shirt. I so love that little one!!!

And now all I can think about is Christmas shopping. I can’t believe Christmas is in just over a month!!! Did I say where does the time go? If

not, I meant to! J So who all do I need to buy for, are we going to do a white elephant in the Fun Bunch? I figure I still need to find my niece and nephew something, but what? Ages 1 and 2 ~ what to do? Then there is Miss Kels…I have her something she wants (blanket and pillow set from Kirkland’s of all places), something she needs (Lush bath gift set, could be a want also LOL!) but I still need to get the play with and read. Then there is the Santa gift, and I am totally stumped on that one!!!

I’ve spent this last week in California at an e-learning conference. I have learned quite a bit, but honestly I still feel slightly stupid when it comes to much of the technology I deal with. I’m hoping that

I’m smarter than I think I am, but who knows! The weather here though, is wonderful. I was slightly jealous that when we got into California last Friday, it was raining here, and over 70* back home! Cest la vie! J The scenery here ~ is just gorgeous! I really do like Kansas, but wow, there is just about everything here. It’s breathtaking. I am sure my pictures don’t do it justice to say the least.

My internal time clock is still very messed up. It’s 10pm here, midnight at home and I’m finally not tired at 7. But I should turn in so thank you for reading along. God bless and be kind to people. Enjoy your family, because life is short.